Despite All of my Struggles
by MirandaTam42
Summary: After the full impact of a line in Goin' Back to Higwarts hit me I felt the need to write about it. Team Starkid AVPM Harry Potter. T for mentions of self harm


Harry stared blankly at the ceiling as he listened to the Dursleys leave the house. He rolled over onto his side in search of a comfier part of his creaky bed. The car started outside and moments later it was gone, leaving Harry alone in the house.

The Dursleys were off to see a movie which left Harry with a few hours to himself (Mrs. Figgs couldn't watch him because she was taking Tibbles to the vet). Harry sat up and put his glasses on, determined to make the best of his undisturbed time alone no matter how bad he felt.

Last year at Hogwarts hadn't left his mind, and he'd had all summer to dwell on it. Some of it had been wonderful, such as playing Quidditch and making a few friends and gaining a godfather who was currently traveling around Italy. Some of it haunted him, like seeing his parents for the first and last time in his life, and passing out from the effects of the Dementors and the fact that none of his friends knew about...

Harry unconsciously crossed his arms and let his fingers brush his forearms where he had scars hidden beneath his sleeves. The wizarding world may love the scar on his forehead, but he doubted if anyone would stick around if they saw the scars on his arms.

It had started as an accident with a carrot peeler a couple of years ago, and Harry had been okay with hurting himself on his particularly bad days ever since. Harry knew it probably did more harm than good, and that people would shun him if they ever found out, but it was the only way he felt he could try to cope with his life.

For as long as he could remember, Harry had been treated like shit by the Dursleys but never cried about it. He had been starved of food and affection and any emotional care a child should have and through it all he felt miserable but couldn't bring himself to feel sad or cry it out. All Harry could feel was a sort of hopeless emptiness, similar to the effects of Dementors.

The carrot peeler slip had introduced Harry to a sort of method of letting his frustration and sadness out, a way of chasing out the emptiness and forcing him to feel pain and be able to deal with it. Harry had even considered suicide via cutting but never went through with it. He figured he was just building up to when he could do it and end his worthless and overrated existence.

Harry jumped out of his spacing in alarm. Suicide was not a foreign concept to him, but the way it could worm into his thoughts and pop in so casually unnerved him. His parents had died protecting him. Harry HAD to live his life out. He had friends who liked him and a world of people who adored him for something he had nothing to do with. As much as life sucked and as low as Harry felt, he was a survivor, and he didn't think he could bring himself to actually kill himself. Draw a bit if blood, sure, not kill. Sorta pathetic how he mostly wanted to stick around for people who were dead.

Harry sighed and got off his bed. He'd had the same thoughts all summer and it'd be best if he tried to leave them behind as the time to go to Hogwarts was nearing. He pulled the black guitar he got away with stealing from Dudley out from under his bed and aimlessly plucked a few notes. Disney songs had recently lost their appeal over the summer along with everything else Harry loved, so it was time for something new.

Harry cleared his throat and coughed, trying to warm his voice up after the severe lack of use it always suffered while he lived here. A stroke of inspiration hit him and he started to sing:

"Underneath these stairs

I hear the sneers and feel the glares

of my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.

"Can't believe how cruel they are,

and it stings my lightning scar

to know they'll never ever

give me what I want.

"I know I don't deserve these

stupid rules made by the Dursleys

here on Privet Drive.

"Can't take these stupid muggles

but despite all of my struggles

I'm still alive."

Harry paused. Still alive. Alive for what?

"I'm sick if summer and this waiting around.

Man it's September so I'm skipping this town.

Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now.

"I gotta get back to Hogwarts,

I gotta get back to school.

I gotta get myself to Hogwarts

Where everyone thinks I'm cool.

"Back to witches and wizards

and magical beasts

to goblins and ghosts

and to magical feasts.

It's all that I love and its all that I need

at Hogwarts, Hogwarts, I think I'm going back!"

Harry glanced at the clock and panicked. Ron would be here any minute! He hurriedly threw all if his belongings into his trunk and sat up top of it with his guitar.

"I'll see my friends, gonna laugh till we cry,

take my Firebolt gonna take to the sky

NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die,

and it's gonna be totally awesome.

"I'll cast some spells with a flick of my wand,

defeat the Dark Arts yeah bring it on!

And do it all with my best friend Ron

cause together we're totally awesome!"

"Yeah cause together we're totally awesome!" The door to Harry's bedroom flew open and Ron grinned. "Somebody say Ron Weasly?"

Harry had struggles but he wasn't alone, and that's all that matters.

&$),?!-/-!

Like my last Drabble all done on my phone as I'm on hiatus until the 21st of February, so not quite back yet!


End file.
